Reflection Time

The people who know what I’m talking about, will automatically think “here goes that asshole again.”  Bare with me this is a little bit different.  In the last 6 months or so there has been more drama in my life, scene related, than all drama added up in my life combined, otherwise.  And that’s with only attending one major event, and other than an email here or there, not really keeping in touch with anyone.  Whether people want to put that all on me, that’s fine.  I’m the same person tho, so something is different.

As far as in person meet ups and experiences with people, I have nothing bad to say.  3 people in particular went out of their way to make me feel welcome.  1 of them I messed things up with royally.  I was very agitated over something, and it showed in my disrespect and lack of empathy towards this person and what he himself was going through.  I was in denial for a while, and this only got me more angry, but the light bulb finally went off, and I realize I’m the one completely at fault with this person.  I choose not to email this person directly at this point, only because I’m guessing it will only make matters worse, and I’m guessing he feels that ship has sailed.  I’m hopeful that as time passes, that could change, but that’s for another day.

The other 2 people that stand out, I believe, I’ve always been respectful and courteous to and I think they would say the same.  However, there were valid concerns brought to my attention.  They were brought to my attention in a very honest and direct, but also very respectful way.  And they made sense to the point where I kicked myself and said, you know what I shouldn’t really even need to be told that.

This next part may come off as attempted damage control.  It is not.  This is me being as honest as I possibly can to anyone who may read this.  It’s no secret to a lot of people that I have had issues with someone well respected in the scene.  Things were being said, and there was conspiring going on behind my back.  This is not me being paranoid, I saw some of it first hand.  And it was only at this time that I found out people in the scene were talking about me.  This surprised me, because of the lack of socializing I did.  I’m naturally shy and was overwhelmed at this event.  The specific events that I now know about(if there is more I still have no idea what they are) I was able to see how there was a misunderstanding, and how I would handle things differently in a similar situation.  They were both early in the event, so I’m guessing there was nothing else.  No one talked to me.  And I was face to face with people who very well had the opportunity to, if there were issues.  I bring that up again, because I left the event saying to myself  “well I didn’t play much, but I met some cool people, and maybe that will set me up to meet more great like minded people in the scene the next time.”  Whether there is play or not.  It’s water under the bridge now, but it was bothersome that I had no clue about these complaints until months later, and only after another situation arose.  I do not push myself on people to play.  The situation separate from the scene, that I’m currently still struggling with, is not about play.  There is much more involved.  I will admit I did not do myself any favors by recently talking about it in a very angry, spiteful, sarcastic, and vindictive tone.  But it comes down to the fact, that I felt, and still feel I need to stand up for myself.  If I shot myself in the foot, that’s bad.  But it’s worse, if people jump to conclusions without even hearing anything from my end.  Did I turn a campfire into a wildfire?  Maybe.  But again I had no idea who was saying what to who.

I’m not going to deny I made some bad decisions, but for people to assume what has gone on with me and someone technically not in the scene anymore(although I realize friends with many) to OMG watch out for him, he will talk about and out anybody at any time, is ridiculous.  There is a lot to that situation, and the circumstances and events can not be repeated.  It’s almost like saying, oh that guy hit the lottery once, so he can hit it again at anytime.  I am very sensitive to people’s privacy.  In that situation the only person who got outed to people not in the scene was me.  That’s only one of many things I’m still holding onto.

To wrap this up, I said early in this ramble that this is not damage control.  I’ve decided it’s best to not even try to be part of the scene, especially since from my perspective the other situation is not resolved yet.  Also it’s obvious that even if someone reached out and wanted to welcome me, that could be detrimental to their reputation.  People have judged and made up their minds already, so I’m not going to try to change that, at this point.  And yes, some of my mistakes are a big part of that.  The last thing I want to do is ruffle any feathers.  I plan on putting more time into my vanilla life, this blog, and maybe something in the scene on a smaller level.  I definitely enjoyed the time meeting so many like minded people, as short of a time as it might have been.  And I wish everyone a great time during future parties.



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